Today was the first day in nearly 3 weeks that I haven't had Henry with me, so I was feeling a little soppy when he left with his Daddy this morning for a day with his Nanna, but as soon as he was gone I was actually relieved that I would be able to sit down and get some admin work done without a little 'helper' demanding I hand over the laptop so he can play Cbeebies games! The day went on as planned, and I certainly wasn't feeling overly sad or emotional. I was teaching a private tuition student in Clifton this afternoon which went really well and I was in a good mood as I walked to the bus stop on my way home. However just as I boarded the bus a song came on my iPod that really reminded me of Henry's first few months. I sat down and was overwhelmed with the feeling that I was about to cry, I'm not normally an overly emotional person and I absolutely hate crying! I will avoid it at all costs if I can as it really makes me uneasy, but thinking of Henry as a baby and how fast the time has passed since he arrived had me choking back tears. Then the thought that everything is about to change for all of us had me actually sobbingand the more I tried to stop the worse it became.
I could not shake the feeling that having a second baby is going to affect the special relationship that I have with Henry. We are so incredibly close, and he really is a Mama's boy. I'm there whenever he needs me and he knows this. The only nights that I have been away from him were when I was hospitalised at the beginning of this pregnancy. He really is my little shadow and my little buddy. Sitting on that bus today I suddenly realised that our lives are about to change so much! I felt so guilty and worried that the arrival of a new baby would break Henry's heart and make him feel less loved somehow, and scared that I would struggle to give him everything that he needs from me with the demands of a new baby as well. I know that I have enough love for both of them, but that doesn't mean that Henry will know that does it? He's growing up so quickly and It looks like he will be starting a local Pre-school soon, what if having a baby around means that I don't get to savour these last precious moments of his toddlerhood?
My reasons for having a second child were never because I didn't feel that Henry was enough. He is, and if I had only been able to have one child I would have been so happy and thankful that I got to be his Mama. My reasons for having a second child were because I wanted Henry to have the same close relationship with a sibling that I have with my sister. My parents are divorced and during so many occasions in our lives my sister & I have been each others support system. Very often in times of crisis we are each other's first port of call, and when nobody else seems to understand what we are going through we seem to be able to have that understanding for each other. Don't get me wrong there have been many times where we could have happily throttled each other, and many, MANY arguments over the years, but all is forgiven quickly and no grudge is held. Even when we are mad at each other if something were to happen we would always be there for each other in a flash. I think it's rare to find that closeness & level of forgiveness in friends. I want Henry to have the chance to have that close relationship with a sibling and I know that he will be a fantastic big brother.........but right now all I feel is guilt for the fact that I am about to turn my precious little boy's world upside down!
So I sat on the completely packed bus in rush hour traffic and cried the whole way home! I was the crazy pregnant lady sat at the back of the Number 90 bus sobbing silently.....the women in front of me turned around to offer me a tissue and ask if I was ok! I don't think I have ever been more embarrassed! Rather than explain to her that my hormones had turned me into a emotional mess over my ability to be a good Mama, I lied and said that I had had a hard day at work and was feeling overly emotional thanks to pregnancy hormones. I cannot believe that I had such a meltdown on a packed bus in rush hour traffic, I couldn't have managed it in the privacy of my own home?!
I guess I wanted to write this down so that in a few months I can write another post telling myself that everything was OK and Henry is fine with the arrival of his little sister.
Because I am being silly aren't I?